I remain in good spirits, even though we have yet to discover a vast conspiracy to push fentanyl into America. In fact, we have rarely advanced more than 100 yards without running into a Tim Hortons.
I write to you today from the outskirts of Montreal, where our beloved President Donald Trump’s war on Canadian aggression has come to a standstill amid heavy moose-launched missile fire.
I hope this note finds you and the children well and safe from any accidental exposure to hockey propaganda. I am alive and continuing the fight, though I miss you all terribly and grow weary of the sickly sweet smell of maple-syrup traps, which at times seem to outnumber the brigades of attack-beavers these damn northerners unleash daily upon our ranks.
I remain a firm believer in our mission.
We came to stop the flow of fentanyl into our country, though I do recall Marie-Eve Breton, a spokeswoman for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, telling The New York Times: “There is limited to no evidence or data from law enforcement agencies in the U.S. or Canada to support the claim that Canadian-produced fentanyl is an increasing threat to the U.S.”
To me, that sounded exactly like what a Canadian eager to flood America with fentanyl would say.
So I ignored the fact that opioids had killed nearly 50,000 Canadians since 2016, and I ignored it when Canadian Public Safety Minister David McGuinty said: “At some points of time in Canada, based on per capita population, there are more Canadians dying from fentanyl than there are Americans dying from fentanyl, a point that we made very clear to the White House.”
Those slippery, murderous Canadian hosers.
Naturally, Martha, given the choice between believing our longtime allies in Canada and statistical evidence or believing the man who convinced me that, contrary to all evidence, the 2020 presidential election was stolen, I naturally chose Trump. After all, he was the one bold enough to slap painful tariffs on Canada in response to the almost nonexistent problem of opioids entering the United States through Canada.
I recall Trump’s economic adviser Kevin Hassett saying, “We launched a drug war, not a trade war,” while also alleging, without presenting any evidence, the existence of secret Canadian fentanyl labs.
I can’t imagine a country like ours would ever predicate the invasion of another country on a false accusation that secretive laboratories were being used to manufacture something deadly.
